What Nobody Tells You About Relational Trauma

Healing from Relational Trauma
Written By Maria Beltran


SERIES 3: Healing from Relational Trauma

Part 1 of 7: "What Nobody Tells You About Relational Trauma"

Relational trauma is a term we're hearing more about, but often, the conversation barely scratches the surface. When we talk about trauma, many people immediately picture dramatic, acute events—a car accident, a natural disaster, or overt abuse. And while these are certainly traumatic, relational trauma often operates in the shadows, its impact just as profound, if not more so, because of its insidious nature and its roots in our most fundamental human need: connection.

Beyond the Obvious: Redefining Relational Trauma

What exactly is relational trauma if it's not always overt abuse? It encompasses any chronic or repeated interpersonal experiences that undermine an individual's sense of safety, belonging, and self-worth. This can include:

  • Emotional neglect: The consistent absence of emotional attunement, validation, or responsiveness from caregivers. Imagine a child whose cries are regularly ignored, or whose feelings are dismissed as "too sensitive."

  • Chronic invalidation: Being told your feelings, perceptions, or experiences are wrong, crazy, or don't matter. This erodes your ability to trust your own internal compass.

  • Conditional love: Feeling loved or accepted only when you meet certain expectations or perform in specific ways, leading to a constant striving for external approval.

  • Inconsistent caregiving: Unpredictable responses from caregivers, where sometimes they are nurturing and sometimes they are critical or absent, creates a deep sense of insecurity and anxiety.

  • Covert manipulation: Subtle, often unacknowledged tactics designed to control or influence another person, leading to confusion and self-doubt.

These experiences, though less dramatic than a single traumatic event, can leave deep, lasting wounds because they often occur within the very relationships that are meant to provide safety and nurture.





The Echoes of the Past: How Early Relationships Shape Adult Patterns

Our earliest relationships, primarily with our caregivers, form the blueprint for how we perceive ourselves, others, and the world. When these foundational relationships are marred by the types of trauma described above, we develop coping mechanisms and beliefs that, while adaptive at the time, can become highly problematic in adulthood.

  • Attachment styles: Our early experiences with caregivers directly shape our attachment style (secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized). Insecure attachment styles, often a direct result of relational trauma, can lead to difficulties in forming healthy, stable adult relationships, perpetuating cycles of misunderstanding and pain [Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. Attachment and Loss. New York: Basic Books.].

  • Core beliefs: We internalize messages about our worth, our lovability, and the trustworthiness of others. If we were consistently criticized, ignored, or manipulated, we might develop core beliefs like "I am not enough," "I am unlovable," or "Others will always abandon me." These beliefs then unconsciously dictate our choices and reactions in adult relationships.

  • Relational patterns: We may find ourselves repeatedly drawn to similar types of unhealthy relationships or recreating familiar dynamics from our past, even if they are painful. This isn't a conscious choice, but rather a deeply ingrained pattern seeking to resolve unresolved trauma or to experience what feels "normal," however dysfunctional.


The Silent Language: The Body's Role in Storing Relational Wounds


Perhaps one of the most profound and often overlooked aspects of relational trauma is its embodiment. We tend to think of trauma as a psychological phenomenon, but our bodies are incredibly sophisticated archives of our experiences. Relational wounds, especially those sustained in early childhood, are not just stored in our minds as memories; they are wired into our nervous systems, our physiology, and even our cellular memory.

As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk powerfully articulates in "The Body Keeps the Score," trauma literally reshapes the brain and body [van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking]. Chronic stress from relational trauma can lead to a dysregulated nervous system, keeping us in a perpetual state of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. This can manifest as:

  • Chronic anxiety or panic attacks: A constant state of hyperarousal.

  • Depression or numbness: A shutdown response to overwhelming emotional pain.

  • Physical symptoms: Unexplained chronic pain, digestive issues, fatigue, or autoimmune conditions.

  • Difficulty with emotional regulation: Intense mood swings or an inability to manage strong emotions.

  • Dissociation: Feeling detached from one's body, emotions, or reality as a coping mechanism.

Pete Walker, in "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving," further elaborates on how repeated relational trauma (Complex PTSD or C-PTSD) leads to profound and pervasive disruptions in affect regulation, identity, and relationships, deeply impacting the individual's sense of self and safety in the world [Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma. Azure Coyote Publishing].

Understanding that our bodies carry the weight of these past experiences is crucial for healing. True healing from relational trauma isn't just about understanding the past intellectually; it's about helping the nervous system release old patterns and create new pathways to safety and connection.


Your Path to Healing

The journey of healing from relational trauma is courageous and transformative. It involves recognizing the subtle ways the past continues to influence your present, understanding the wisdom of your body, and gently rewiring your responses to create healthier relationships with yourself and others.

If you recognize aspects of your experience in these descriptions, know that you are not alone, and healing is possible.

Book Recommendations for Your Healing Journey:

Are you ready to explore how trauma-informed therapy can support your healing journey from complex relationships? Visit our Trauma-Informed Therapy Services page to learn more and connect with a compassionate professional who can guide you toward lasting well-being.



Coming Next week: Series 4, Article 1 – "Beyond 'Just Breathe': Real Emotional Regulation for Sensitive Souls"


What Nobody Tells You About Relational Trauma launches Part 1 of our seven-part series (SERIES 3), Healing from Relational Trauma. In this deeply compassionate and illuminating series, we explore the often-hidden wounds caused by toxic relationships, neglect, and betrayal—and what it takes to truly heal. Whether you’re just beginning to question your experiences or are already on the path to recovery, this series is designed to validate, educate, and gently guide you toward clarity and empowerment.

Coming next in the SERIES 3: Healing from Relational Trauma:
Part 2 of 7 – "Breaking Free from Invisible Chains: Recognizing Trauma Bonds"
Publishing Tuesday, August 19, 2025. Stay with us for the next step in this eye-opening journey—where we shine a light on the patterns that keep us stuck and begin learning how to break free.

Maria Beltran
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